you can't run
You can't run from your problems, your pain, your self. Like Hemingway said, "you can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another."
I told myself it wasn't true; that I didn't want to move to escape my problems, I wanted to move because moving would be a fun adventure. I did secretly hope Hemingway was wrong though. I hoped a new, big city would save me. Now I'm left picking up the pieces of a broken heart because surprise, Hemingway was right.
When we came to New York, I thought it'd be different, I thought I would be different. I believe a place can be just as much of a dream or a calling as a job can, and New York had been my dream since I was thirteen. I thought I never felt at home anywhere because maybe my home was thousands of miles away. But now I'm here and I still don't feel at home and I think it's because I don't feel like home.
Loving yourself, accepting yourself fully and honestly, is the most important lesson any of us will have to learn. I thought maybe the place you live was the answer, and maybe it is a little, but where you are won't make a difference if you can't smile at your reflection.
I don't know how to tell you how to love yourself. I'm only just beginning to try to learn myself, but I know it starts with grace. I know it starts with kindness. I know it starts with speaking kind words to and about yourself.
I heard someone say once that they've turned the golden rule around: "do to yourself as you would have done to others." I think for many of us, it's easy to see our friends through a lens of grace and love and forgiveness. Try and turn that lens on yourself.