mourning the loss of a dream
what do you do when all you ever wanted isn’t everything you dreamed it would be? what do you do when you get what you wanted but it’s not enough? what happens when your dream leaves you feeling just as empty as when you started?
i’ve been asking myself these questions a lot lately. my dream was always to live in new york city. i thought i’d be who i was meant to be when i got here. i would find the place i belonged and finally be happy. but that didn’t happen. for about a year i was in heaven. everything was new, everything was exciting. but eventually reality set in, and i’ve never been very good at reality. it’s all monotony and routine, and it bores me. i am constantly in search of something more interesting, more intense.
we’ve all had a dream that, once fulfilled, left us feeling a little disappointed. we thought it’d be everything. we thought it would complete us. we thought it would fill that void we all feel. but what do we do with that? do we move on and hope we find a new dream that will bring us happiness? no, because that will lead you down the same road, feeling disappointed once again. do we go home with our head down, feeling like a failure? no, because i believe there is no such thing as failure.
we change our perspective.
here’s the thing: nothing is ever going to fulfill that longing in us. but the beautiful thing about learning your dream wasn’t what you thought it would be is that you are now freed up to dream new dreams. you thought traveling the world was the ultimate, but now you’re tired and ready to go home. that’s okay. go home and explore the next thing. life isn’t about one ultimate dream. you are multitudes, and so your dreams will be too. follow them, explore them, and put them down when it’s time. there’s no shame in it. you weren’t wrong when you thought that’s what you wanted, because it is what you wanted. but just because it’s what you wanted at one time, doesn’t mean it’s what you want forever.
so i’m leaving new york city because i fulfilled my dream here. and truthfully, the dream wasn’t what i thought. the daily life is different than i imagined, and it’s not the daily life i want. when i think about the person i want to become, new york city doesn’t fit into that. and i’m okay with it. i had fun, and that’s all that really matters anyway.
“We are dancing animals. How beautiful it is to get up and go out and do something. We are here on earth to fart around. Don’t let anybody tell you any different.” - Kurt Vonnegut
so where are we going? we’re moving across the country to portland, oregon! i’m grateful that i got to live in new york for two years. it was the most fun. but it makes me anxious living here. the noise pollution, the lack of nature - all of it adds up and i’ve just learned that new york is not my forever. it is so freeing to learn new things about yourself. and yes, we are planning a cross country road trip that i am thrilled about. :)
cheers to exciting changes,
if you want to hear more about how we came to the decision to leave - my personal reasonings and cody’s personal reasonings - we put out a podcast all about it. and why we chose portland!